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Butthe mirror in the bathroom I had thought I wouldn't really look at myselfin the mirror until I felt ready, but I caught a glimpse of myself and hadto stare. Looking at myself, I could hardly believe myself that I was aman. Even my genitals are atrophied, hardly able to argue the case for mymaleness.Actually, this sounds really vain, but I look beautiful. As beautiful asany other Pachtikl woman. I guess that's basically what I am, for now - awhite-skinned Pachtikl woman. Does life throw you curveballs or what?Feb. 16, 2001I miss the Pachtikl terribly, but I also miss my Mom. Maybe nursing ababy gave me a new understanding of the maternal bond. I wish I could gostraight back to her, but it would be too much of a shock for her to seeme this way. Instead, I decided to go stay with my big sister Carrie inLA until my body is fixed. I tried to tell Carrie what was up on thephone, but couldn't quite get up the nerve. I hope it doesn't freak herout too much. She must have. ’ I said it with the tone of authority developed in the Master program. Really, as my instructor said, it came naturally to me, given my career, but I had not been able to talk that way with a beautiful woman. A look of intense thought crossed her face, and I remembered that point from the course. ‘It will be a deep pleasure for you to come with me,’ I plunged ahead. Instead of slapping me, I saw the flash of subconscious recognition in her eyes. On the conscious level, she took this as simple information. In her subconscious, she was responding to Nature’s program for her, a program which I had now entered as an important variable. I remembered one middle-aged woman instructor’s words now with new understanding. Our teacher Leona smiled and led off with: ‘Mother Nature likes fucking. It’s we humans who create our own barriers.’ As her opening remark, that had set the class to paying attention. Jim briefly winked acknowledgement of this recollection to me, and then turned to Carmen.
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